this:














is not the same as this:














and i miss this kid:












more than most things.


what am i doing with my life?
only God knows..........

i'm catching you.
keys and strings.
i'm catching you.
sneezes and sniffles.
i'm catching you.
cutting around dark corners.
i'm falling.
and i'm catching you.

it will be better when you're gone.

i just continue to think of you.


at the sounds that i fell in love with one year ago,
i remember you waving,
the scents of fermented milk and grapes cutting through the air,
scooping folds of our dresses and tufts of our hair.

i hear words selected so delicately,
to describe you,
the way that we could have been.

almost thirteen months since may,
i still think of you.


at the taste of another,
i wonder why i never meet the man of the moment
as you were.

tricks swing in and out.
with smoothness from practice and nature.
the tiered crowd calls for specificity.
i am unfit for any of it.

our twisted ankles twist to join.
to step, simultaneously, over puddles of piss,
in tunnels which lead to ocean sources.

i have yet to admit anything about the smoke that i consume,
and what the grey curls to become.
pictures of you, as you are?
can i believe in something so supreme?

we are not gods; only men,
who link ourselves to animals.

not sacred.
not fallen.
not responsible.

we hide with other bones,
waiting for discovery.
the link to declare us all free.

i am sitting in the center of the quad
with the poetry readers.

men who look like women
stripes, florals
belts, brims
skip past me arm in arm...

the hare hare krishna play bells,
pass out cookies...
they're robes struggle to be liberated
in the wind.

the slackliners
(not tight-rope walkers, not slack-trappers)
balance carefully.
the whole lawn holds its breath.
do
not
fall.

guitars, so many, ring out
-praise
-battle songs
-a little love

groups cluster, everywhere,
studying, laughing, writing, kissing,
pie-ing each other in the face...

what the hell is going on???













[brothers]

if i saw you...
in this place you will never be...
i would tell you.
i am sorry.
everything in it's place.
you're gifts will not be a waste.

i am outliving this spell.
what a magical spell.
everything there was so much stronger.

in a distant land, things really happened.
i was your blank page.
and your colors.
and your ink.

you were my cocoon.
i wrapped myself in your soft layers.
a log added to the fire was a string plucked by calloused fingers.
gold strands fell softly.
we were here.

this place is a category i can fit you into.
in another time,
it was a sidenote.
it was a distraction.
it was a magnet.
it was a roadblock.

now, it branches...
leads somewhere new.
it is a path.
open.
i have taken it...
young and curious.
and it has become more and more concrete.

if i saw you,
i would weep.
i would rejoice.
i imagine i see you everywhere.
a million you's.

on bikes,
in skirts,
talking on benches overlooking valleys,

i said i would return,
with a year gone by,
i still mean it.

if i saw you,
my arms would hang around your neck.
and i would thank you for finally meeting me...
where i am.

i'm heading west again.


























these fellas are gonna sing me all the way...

overkill - colin hay

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications

Of diving in too deep

And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear

Ghosts appear and fade away

why have you been coming to me?
and what has all of this come to mean?
the depth of this love and the way that we know...
i'm not sure how far it reaches.

why have you been coming to me?
to read your heart.
to share your growth.
to challenge with your knowledge.

after confrontation comes a closeness.
a strength.
a wisdom.
an aversion.
my eyes can't meet yours.

this is what living is.
this is what sharing is.
this is what that joy is.
you mean these things.

why have you been coming to me?
though you cannot afford to.
though you shouldn't.
oh how good it was to hold you in my arms.
to squeeze you close.
i never wanted to let you go.
(i've got you on hold)

you are so far.
it was so easy.
i'm so glad to feel you again.

why have you come to me?
why do you want to use me?
and what have i to offer?

am i not cowardly?
am i not insecure?
am i not rude and out of touch?

maybe it's time i see you the way you see me.

you have blessed me so....

so i can share this.
you are all i need.
keep it coming.

i'm giving this up.
my heart is tired.
will no longer be anxious.
will put it off to gain peace.
understanding.

will no longer be who i was...
who i've been...

wait for patience.
love.
contentment.
(it is so difficult with out having just one)

i long for thanksgiving.
for new eyes through which to see.
i'm giving up.
i'm giving this up.

(forget the fools)

this is a picture of me eating half of a half-dipped-in-sprinkles donut while on wright street standing half in champaign and half in urbana on my half birthday.

i'm 19 and a half now.

the world needs to know.

my heart is strengthening and breaking all at once.

i can almost see it happening.

i have been reading alot of poetry.
for school, of course.
i cannot stumble onto meaning alone, you know.

lawrence ferlinghetti is the man of the moment.
he founded a little book store that i hope to visit one day:


I Am Waiting by L. Ferlinghetti [1958]
(last stanza)

I am waiting
to get some intimations
of immortality
by recollecting my early childhood
and I am waiting
for the green mornings to come again
youth's dumb green fields come back again
and I am waiting
for some strains of unpremeditated art
to shake my typewriter
and I am waiting to write
the great indelible poem
and I am waiting
for the last long careless rapture
and I am perpetually waiting
for the fleeting lovers on the Grecian Urn
to catch each other up at last
and embrace
and I am awaiting
perpetually and forever
a renaissance of wonder

today, i am writing a paper about this:
then, i am drinking this to get better:

(morroccan mint tea.)

then i am getting in a car with this girl:
and i am going here:


it's going to be so nice.

it's warming up.

in like a lion (always winter) by relient k
...
when february rolls around i'll roll my eyes
turn a cold shoulder to these even colders skies
and by the fire my heart gives a sigh
for the green grass waiting on the other side
...
it'd be so nice to look out the window
and see the leaves on the trees begin to show
the birds would congregate and sing
a song of birth, a song of newer things

the wind would calm the sun would shine
i'd go outside and i'd squint my eyes
but for now i will simply just withdraw
sit here and wish for this world to thaw



my world here is thawing.

temperatures are going from 20s to 60s
and i am feeling myself begin to emerge
new.
lately i have been less afraid...
or more bold.
as practicality sets in i find new ways to dream.

my faithful nikon has come out of hibernation
and my moleskine is beginning to overflow with words
as i am given opportunities to write what has been inside.

i have been learning how to live
as only living can teach.

i am anxious to see everything.
travel is always on my mind.
(and the fear that i'll never be brave enough to do it)

now being happy with company and growth.

watching the world thaw around me.
letting sun shine through
on this temporary spring.

it has been snowing here.
falling falling down.

last night i took a walk as the flakes fell from the sky, hoping to see them glitter like they did when i was young.
i skipped through the piling inches and resisted the urge to lie down and make a snow angel in the south quad.
and in my bag i carried with me scissors and snow white sheets of unmade snowflakes.
all night i snipped away.

i've also been thinking about the kindergarten lesson we're taught about each snowflake being different than any other.
in this gigantic place, i get lost sometimes.
feeling unoriginal or as though everyone else is the same.
but each snowflake outside and each one i cut out is different.
and despite my cynical beliefs about everyone around me, could this be true of them too?

This is me. Just a busy busy busy bee!

I have just been buzzing all over the cold and crowded streets of Champaign-Urbana. Though it's tiring right now, I have a feeling this semester has some magic in store. In my creative writing class, we have begun to learn about images to communicate. Show, don't tell. It's tricky, but I am getting the hang of it. Writing words that show you what I see in my mind's eye takes alot of work. This semester will be a challenge. But talking of pictures and images in class, observing my absent-minded, purple-haired professor just gets me more excited.
I will tell you all about it when I get another moment, but for now I must be buzzing off to mac and cheese dinner. Yum!

This is me, right now, starting this new adventure:

I have fallen victim.
This blogging craze has taken me by storm!
I am not making this blog by choice!
Somebody HELP me!

Ok. Ok. So that's not necessarily true. If we're going to be honest, I've been considering getting a real, gin-u-ine, bona fide blog for some time now. It took my best friend creating a lovely one to finally push me over the edge.

I have a few hopes for this new blogging thing.
First, I am hoping it will become some sort of habit. Browsing through millions of fellow bloggers' sites has inspired me to try to keep the world updated on the goings on in my little world...no matter how (in)significant. I'll share little discoveries, things that I find inspiring. Maybe even a joke here and there - but no promises.

The truth is I'm ready for something. Ready for something just huge to happen.
I'm ready to spread my wings, to be swept off my feet, to learn something new! As a second year college student living in the middle of a cornfield life can get monotonous - homework, class, sleep, eat, class, homework, blah, blah, blah. It's not much, but perhaps this little corner of cyberspace will be my first step into something new.

I'm ready to see the world, ready to show it to those who won't be able to see it themselves.
I'm ready for adventure and for seeing the beauty of humanity in every pair of eyes.
I'm ready to assume my role as a sojourner and a messenger.
I'm ready to see all that I can see and to share every moment.
It's a big task. But I'm ready.
I am.

Bring it on.